Slumped over a pile of dirty dishes, blowing snot, tears shooting out of my face, straight up ugly crying... This was me yesterday at about 1230 in the afternoon. I had gone without sleep for two nights, the first night partially because Lucy was up crying and partially because the next morning I would be seeing the little teeny baby growing in my belly that I hadn't known was there. The next night because, again, Lucy was up all night crying off and on.
To help you understand why I was crying over the sink, I wanted to tell you about the day I saw the teeny baby growing in my belly. Tuesday, March 1st was the first day I saw my little baby wiggle its teeny legs and watch its bitty heart pump. I had just found out we were pregnant not even a week and a half before this appointment. When I took the test, I was in denial that I really WAS pregnant! When the midwife measured the baby she said I was probably about 13 weeks along. To be 100% sure, she sent me to an advanced sonogram place that same day. We drove the three minutes to the next appointment and the girls had passed out, so Cade said he'd just drive around with them while I went in. I walked in and was seen right away. I laid down on the chair and pulled up my shirt, the tech tucked the towel into the waist of my jeans and gooped up my belly. The ultra sound popped up and there it was, clearer than the other ultrasound, my little baby. Hand over its face and looking a little bugged that we were messing with it. I saw its brain, the two hemispheres, its heart beating again, and watched arms and legs wiggle around. The tech asked if I'd like to know the gender as she can tell with about 75% assurance, and I said yes. "?MALE" was typed onto the picture and there were definitely little boy parts there. I immediately fell in love. Even more in love than when I first saw him. I was on such a high afterwards, I didn't really think about all the things that come with a new baby...
Now to yesterday, Lucy and Georgia both were up earlier than normal, and both up throughout the night... I drug myself out of the bed to feed them. Georgia doesn't want this, not that, so I just looked at her and walked out of the kitchen. I knew I needed to do laundry so I decided I should start it. The kids were taking things out of the washer as I was putting them in, mixing the darks with the lights, just all up in my business. I took Lucy down to her room for her morning nap and she went down okay. I walked back upstairs where I had left Georgia crying because I had told her "No" to something. I walked into her room and talked to her, then walked into the living/dining/kitchen area and it literally looked like a tornado had come through it. I walked over to the sink and just started crying. Georgia started crying, because my ugly crying had made her nervous so I swallowed hard and wiped my eyes and nose and made us a little treat. Some cut up banana on a plate, sprinkled with cinnamon and drizzled with honey. She came over and we looked at each other and started giggling at each other as we ate our banana treat with tear filled eyes.
I think it all just hit me in that moment. I was going to have THREE CHILDREN!!!! WHAT?!?!?! I am already a hot mess, late to everything, it takes me ALL morning to get ready, and we just don't have anything together... so... how the heck am I supposed to keep three kids alive, and myself?? I was overwhelmed and worried and it called for an ugly cry. After the crying, I felt better, and after watching Georgia devour her banana treat and grin at me, I felt A LOT better. I was able to go see a movie with my friend later that night and it was nice to have fun and not worry about anything.
I had tried to bring a little Jesus into the house by turning on some Christian music, so when I broke down, I heard parts of a song saying, "every tear, every cry, every prayer, in my hurt, in my worst, when my world falls down, NOT FOR A MOMENT WILL YOU FORSAKE ME, even in the dark, even when it's hard, you will never leave me, after all..." (Not For A Moment by Meredith Andrews) I am SO incredibly grateful for the love that my Savior has for me and for His constant presence in my life. It was good for me to break down, because I was given a chance to be humble, to feel pain, and to be reminded that it is all in the hands of my Heavenly Father and Savior. I thought a lot about that today. I thought about love, about family, about growth... I cannot explain the love I have for this baby, how grateful I am to have already made it to 13 weeks with a healthy growing baby boy in my womb, and how scared I am. I know there will be so much growth and so many times that I break down and have to ugly cry, but I know that I am only given what I can handle. I will not be forsaken, I will not be forgotten or left to figure this out on my own. I have a supportive, loving husband and family and I have a Heavenly Father and Big Brother watching over me.
I'm scared to come off as ungrateful or like I didn't want this or like WE didn't want this. We are so excited and so grateful, we were just so shocked to be blessed with this little baby at this time in our life. They always say, "If you wait till the best time, that time will never come," so we just skipped the waiting ;) Thank you for reading and for your love and support!! XOXO britt
