Three's Company...

Slumped over a pile of dirty dishes, blowing snot, tears shooting out of my face, straight up ugly crying... This was me yesterday at about 1230 in the afternoon. I had gone without sleep for two nights, the first night partially because Lucy was up crying and partially because the next morning I would be seeing the little teeny baby growing in my belly that I hadn't known was there. The next night because, again, Lucy was up all night crying off and on.

To help you understand why I was crying over the sink, I wanted to tell you about the day I saw the teeny baby growing in my belly. Tuesday, March 1st was the first day I saw my little baby wiggle its teeny legs and watch its bitty heart pump. I had just found out we were pregnant not even a week and a half before this appointment. When I took the test, I was in denial that I really WAS pregnant! When the midwife measured the baby she said I was probably about 13 weeks along. To be 100% sure, she sent me to an advanced sonogram place that same day. We drove the three minutes to the next appointment and the girls had passed out, so Cade said he'd just drive around with them while I went in. I walked in and was seen right away. I laid down on the chair and pulled up my shirt, the tech tucked the towel into the waist of my jeans and gooped up my belly. The ultra sound popped up and there it was, clearer than the other ultrasound, my little baby. Hand over its face and looking a little bugged that we were messing with it. I saw its brain, the two hemispheres, its heart beating again, and watched arms and legs wiggle around. The tech asked if I'd like to know the gender as she can tell with about 75% assurance, and I said yes. "?MALE" was typed onto the picture and there were definitely little boy parts there. I immediately fell in love. Even more in love than when I first saw him. I was on such a high afterwards, I didn't really think about all the things that come with a new baby...

Now to yesterday, Lucy and Georgia both were up earlier than normal, and both up throughout the night... I drug myself out of the bed to feed them. Georgia doesn't want this, not that, so I just looked at her and walked out of the kitchen. I knew I needed to do laundry so I decided I should start it. The kids were taking things out of the washer as I was putting them in, mixing the darks with the lights, just all up in my business. I took Lucy down to her room for her morning nap and she went down okay. I walked back upstairs where I had left Georgia crying because I had told her "No" to something. I walked into her room and talked to her, then walked into the living/dining/kitchen area and it literally looked like a tornado had come through it. I walked over to the sink and just started crying. Georgia started crying, because my ugly crying had made her nervous so I swallowed hard and wiped my eyes and nose and made us a little treat. Some cut up banana on a plate, sprinkled with cinnamon and drizzled with honey. She came over and we looked at each other and started giggling at each other as we ate our banana treat with tear filled eyes.

I think it all just hit me in that moment. I was going to have THREE CHILDREN!!!! WHAT?!?!?! I am already a hot mess, late to everything, it takes me ALL morning to get ready, and we just don't have anything together... so... how the heck am I supposed to keep three kids alive, and myself?? I was overwhelmed and worried and it called for an ugly cry. After the crying, I felt better, and after watching Georgia devour her banana treat and grin at me, I felt A LOT better. I was able to go see a movie with my friend later that night and it was nice to have fun and not worry about anything.

I had tried to bring a little Jesus into the house by turning on some Christian music, so when I broke down, I heard parts of a song saying, "every tear, every cry, every prayer, in my hurt, in my worst, when my world falls down, NOT FOR A MOMENT WILL YOU FORSAKE ME, even in the dark, even when it's hard, you will never leave me, after all..." (Not For A Moment by Meredith Andrews) I am SO incredibly grateful for the love that my Savior has for me and for His constant presence in my life. It was good for me to break down, because I was given a chance to be humble, to feel pain, and to be reminded that it is all in the hands of my Heavenly Father and Savior. I thought a lot about that today. I thought about love, about family, about growth... I cannot explain the love I have for this baby, how grateful I am to have already made it to 13 weeks with a healthy growing baby boy in my womb, and how scared I am. I know there will be so much growth and so many times that I break down and have to ugly cry, but I know that I am only given what I can handle. I will not be forsaken, I will not be forgotten or left to figure this out on my own. I have a supportive, loving husband and family and I have a Heavenly Father and Big Brother watching over me.

I'm scared to come off as ungrateful or like I didn't want this or like WE didn't want this. We are so excited and so grateful, we were just so shocked to be blessed with this little baby at this time in our life. They always say, "If you wait till the best time, that time will never come," so we just skipped the waiting ;) Thank you for reading and for your love and support!! XOXO britt

Better Late, Than Never

I mean, my life is basically run on that saying! SO because Lucy is 4 months old, I guess now is as good a time as any to post her birth story!! Let me start out by saying I haven't wanted to write this mostly because I am worried. The way I had Lucy is a way that some moms would have wanted their births to go or is a way that some moms would ridicule me for... I had Lucy completely and totally 100% natural. Like, we almost had her in the car...but that's for later... If you haven't already heard me tell you this story, it is because of the worry.. I never want anyone to regret the way they had their own babies, and I definitely don't want to be looked at funny because of the way I had mine. I do not judge. That is not my place, in anything! I really hate when someone asks me not to judge, even if it's just joking, because I can not judge!! I have never been one to do that. OKAY, off the soap box.. geeze, this is about Lucy!

It all started at 39 weeks... I started laboring after being on my feet all day in Eufaula. I was hurting pretty good but my contractions were never steady, so I went to bed that night and it all stopped. During the following week, I would have times where I would labor and then it would stop, labor and then stop...I was getting frustrated. When I went in for my doctor's appointment, I asked not to be checked. When I was constantly checked with Georgia, I often felt like a failure because I wasn't progressing...and her birth just goes to show that what I was dilated to didn't mean a thing.. So, 40 weeks came. I was a little discouraged, wishing we could see those sweet chubby cheeks already! I wanted so bad to just hold her already! We went to church that Sunday and my friend mentioned giving me a pressure point massage on my legs and feet using essential oils, I was like, "uh, yes please!" haha she came over later that evening and I got the best foot massage of my life! I started to have contractions that night, but again, nothing serious.. I went on about my day on Monday, running around with my mom, grabbing lunch, you know, just doing whatever because I wasn't about to have this baby any time soon... So that night I went to bed having contractions. They got a little more intense, so I decided to diffuse a little Clary Sage while I slept (Clary Sage is an oil that is said to help with contractions..) I started to get uncomfortable at about 3AM. I turned off my diffuser because, not gonna lie, I got a little scared haha! Well, at about 4, I went into the guest room where my mom was staying and told her how I was feeling. The contractions were still inconsistent and I was still talking and everything so she stayed up with me while I labored through a few more contractions in the living room. At one point I started to cry (THIS WAS ME ENTERING THE TRANSITION PHASE.. little did I know) I mean, I was sobbing. I started to feel bad for having another baby so close to Georgia, like it was unfair for her because we hadn't given her enough time with just us. I thought she would be mad because I was leaving and the next time she would see me I would have another baby! I worried that I wouldn't love Lucy right away because how could I love another baby as much as I loved Georgia?? It was an emotional time..At about 530 I texted my doula and said I basically needed an evaluation.. One of my doulas, the amazing Stephanie, was at my house at around 6. Georgia woke up, she ate some muffins for breakfast, my mom got ready, and got Georgia ready. Georgia wasn't happy about Stephanie touching me, so when we decided to try a different position to try and move Lucy around, off my back, Georgia ran to my head. She looked worried but I looked at her while I was having a contraction and just told her everything was going to be okay. I looked into her eyes and I just felt so much love for her! It was a beautiful moment I was able to have with her before my water broke and things got crazy.. and they did. I got up to go put on some clothes and gather the last of my things/ wake up Cade. I guess I never really had that sense of urgency so he kinda took his time getting ready.. it wasn't his fault! I was staying calm like I had been taught! The contractions started to really hurt at this point. It was time to GO! We all headed for the door, and got everything ready and waited for a little bit on Cade ;) haha He came out of the hall and we were all staring at him and were like, "LET'S GO!!" haha We piled in the car and dropped of Georgia at my friends house. I had a little guilty feeling as Sydney held her and we drove away... but this baby was coming so I kinda had to get over it. We drove as fast as we could, only ran one red light, and made it to the hospital. We walked in and headed straight for Labor and Delivery. I honestly was having an out of body experience, it was like my spirit couldn't handle it, so it just left my body and watched as I labored down the hallways and in the elevator. I don't remember how I felt, but I really can see my face! It is the weirdest thing, looking back on it now! When we got to Labor and Delivery, the nurses were asking, "Were we expecting you? When is your due date? Who is your doctor?" And I really wanted to say, "Does it look like I have time to answer your stupid questions??" But I didn't. Stephanie told them to get me a room now, unless they wanted to be delivering a baby in the hall.. They got me a room. I started taking off my clothes as soon as we walked in. My mom was putting my gown on me, I was just somewhere, not there, somewhere in thought or something... Like I said, seriously, out of body experience happening.. I crawled onto the bed where the nurses kept trying to poke at me and check me and this and that and I was starting to get scared. I was in and out of my body now, like moments that I was looking at the faces around me, and moments where I was watching myself. And then, the doctor came in. He asked me how I was, I said, "scared." I genuinely was. I had fear, fear of the unknown, of the pain, of the baby coming out and doing everything she needed to, fear that I would not be able to do it, fear that I was not enough to give birth to this human. My spirit rejoined my body. I was laying on my side, and I was pushing that baby out. I didn't really listen when the doulas were telling me about how the baby goes back in....soooo when that happened, it was not happening again. I wanted it out. It was as though I had entered some sort of "survival mode" and I didn't even think of Lucy as a baby, there was this thing in my body and it was hurting me and it needed to come out, now! So I pushed again (this was like the second push, because, no retracting...) and out came Lucy! I remember three things: Cade's hand on me, my mom pulling her leg up in sympathetic pain, and looking at Stephanie and her saying, "You can do this, Brittany." It was seriously amazing when they put our Lucy Lady on my chest!

I will have to say, I did feel like the devil was trying to come out of me. Like for reals, I made any one else giving birth that day want to cross their legs and leave because it sounded like someone was exercising the demons out of me. But at the end of the day, it really was a beautiful thing. I am so happy Lucy came into the world the way she did. I am also so happy Georgia came into the world the way she did, they are different, but they were both exactly what I wanted! As I look back, I realize that with each of pregnancies, I have taken on the spirit of the little one growing inside me. With Georgia, there was a definite Diva, but one that was sensitive to the world, one that wanted things a certain way, but also wanted others to be happy. With Lucy, I felt such a sweetness about her, like a softness and happiness, a spirit that was close to nature and close to things that were joyful. I have been so blessed to carry these two girls of mine to full term, to the time in which they were ready to make their grand entrance. I cannot believe I have two amazing daughters of God that I get to raise and watch learn and grow!! I hope you found love and happiness in Lucy's birth story! We truly love the little sweetie that she is! Thank you for reading!! XOXO

Lettuce Ketchup

I mean Let Us Catch Up ;) I just love puns.. ANYWAYS! I am the worst, I really really need to post Lucy's Birth Story, because, if you haven't heard it already, it was pretty awesome! But before I do that, I figured I catch you all up on what is happening over here in the land of rainbows and sparkle farts... To start, Cade and I are separated..... not in love, just in distance!! Geeze. Cade got a job with the FAA (WHOOO!) as an Air Traffic Controller, so he is in training for that right now. I am living it up, Kim K style (if you know what I'm referencing, we can be friends, what the heck, we can be friends even if you don't) anyways, me and the little ponies are staying with my momma while Cade studies his little behind off in Oklahoma. We are missing him lots and lots... but this is just a short time, so we are getting settled in and enjoying the time here with my family. Georgia is getting more and more vocal and it has been pretty hilarious listen to her talk! She will ask "why" to anything and everything. She can hold a pretty good conversation with me, however the tantrums are pretty regular, on account of, she's, A DIVA. Lucy Sue is just growing like a weed, even trying to sprout a few teeth!! Yep, that's right, I didn't believe it either, but sure enough, she's already teething. I am just excited to be where I am right now. I am constantly reminded of how little control I have and how much is in the Lord's hands each day. I have had a really hard time going from one crazy training environment with Cade to a pretty much stagnant life without Cade and at my mom's. That's not to say I don't have things I can work on, it just feels weird not having the role of "Home-maker/wife" at the moment. I have relied heavily on praying to receive guidance, patience and humility in this situation from my Heavenly Father. He has delivered, and I am working to become better at listening to His guidance, watching for those moments in which I need to be humble and am trying really really hard to be oh so patient in this current place in life. Things are in the future, but it's hard to see that perspective everyday. I put my blinders on so quickly and forget who is really in charge. I have some fun things planned for the blog, and hopefully I will be posting more often! The next post will probably be Lucy's birth story, I just have to sit down and write it all out!! So, be on the look out for that one :) Have a wonderful night! Thanks for reading! XOXO britt

It's not you, it's me

So, I think we need to have a talk. I'm not necessarily breaking up with you, I just need to take a break... I'm talking a break from social media. I think everyone does this every once in a while and I just think now is a good time for me to take that break. I have a feeling it will be a difficult break at first but a necessary one. I think I have always felt like being popular was the most important thing, and when those "likes" start popping up, I really do feel popular! I was just looking through Facebook and Instagram and I was just thinking, I love all these things and some of these people, but it's just not where I need to be! I want to practice safe social media-ing, but when the apps are on my phone it is just so readily available and time is lost while I scroll up and down and back and forth. Time is lost when I should be sleeping, pondering, praying, feeling, watching, laughing, loving. Reality is distorted because I start to compare my life to yours or hers or theirs.. I think, "what did people do before all of this??" I think I just need to know that I can have a life without all of this. I mean, when you pop up, it's in my "feed" for goodness sakes! This is not where I need to be "fed" and I am realizing that. I don't know what I'm going to do without Facebook and Instagram, buuuutttt in pretty sure I'll survive. I'll keep up with friends and family, don't worry! I might not get rid of snapchat just yet, since there's no "liking" going on, it's more of just a way to keep up with friends, and I think that is fun. I will probably be texting more often since that is how I'll be able to keep up with most of my friends and family, and I think that is a good thing. I know I'm not the first person ever on the world to do this, but it is a pretty big commitment now that I think about it, which makes me more excited to get rid of it. I shouldn't be sad that I'm getting rid of Facebook and Instagram! So, it's not you, it's me. I think things outside this screen I'm typing on should be my focus from now on. Who knows how long the starvation will last ;), but I have a feeling I will be okay. I love you all! Xoxo

Clean Up on Aisle 6...

If you were to ask me if I've ever been traumatized by a trip to the grocery store, I would have told you, "Of course not!" That is, I would have told you that before today... As some of you may already know, I sat in the parking lot of my local Publix, eating some spring rolls and waiting for my toddler to wake up from her nap, earlier today. I sat there for quite some time, so by the time she awoke, I was ready to be done grocery shopping, and I hadn't even walked into the store yet. As we walked into Publix, the sight of the "car" cart made me shutter, but it filled my toddler with glee, "OHH!" Georgia squealed as she ran to the gigantic car cart. "Is it worth the fight??" I thought to myself. It wasn't. So I loaded her in it, she immediately started turning the wheel and giggling, "We might just make it through this, Georgie!" I told her and headed in. OH, I was wearing my newborn, in case you were wondering, I know you were! We all three make our way past the flowers, where I make a mental note to come back to them so I can have some fresh flowers on my dining room table, I love fresh flowers! As we pick up our norms, bananas, apples, strawberries, I start to feel the need to go to the bathroom..... "UGH! Not now! Hold it, Brittany, you can make it through the entire store without peeing your pants.... you got this.." I totally did not have it. After going down two and a half aisles, it was clear I was going to have to go to the bathroom. I walked over to the restrooms and parked my cart, took out the toddler and the diaper bag and opened up the "Family Restroom" door, to my surprise, a male employee was peeing! I quickly shut the door and muttered, kinda loud, "There's a reason there's a lock on the door..." and went into the regular Women's Restroom area. I was pleased to find there was nowhere to lay the baby so I had to basically undress (By the way, I was wearing overalls, yes, overalls, for the first time since like third grade....... yeah, not my best idea, but anyways) so I undress and pee, as I'm peeing and holding Lucy, Georgia, eating a sucker, is touching EVERYTHING and putting her hands in her mouth and touching the sucker and touching gross things in the bathroom, and then Lucy starts to cry and then starts to scream! I pull up what I can of my underwear and overalls and make my way out to the sink area, where there is a flat surface I can lay Lucy down. I take the changing pad out and lay it on the area and lay down Lucy and start to dress myself. Lucy is hungry... I leave one strap of my overalls hanging down, like the gangsta that I am, put my nursing cover on and pop Lucy on my boob. We all walk out (don't worry we used hand sanitizer!). I go down a couple aisles, holding Lucy and pushing the gigantic car cart. we grab a few things then Lucy is done eating. Luckily, she ended on the aisle with the pet beds..random.. so I laid a pet bed on top of our produce, laid Lucy in it, put my baby wrap on and off we went. by this time we had acquired fruit snacks, so Georgia is yelling, "NACK, MOMMY, NACK!" Of course I open the box, I'm not gonna fight it. Now, as we walk, I am having to bend over and pick up the trail of fruit snacks that Georgia is trying to leave across the store... I am also continually telling her, "Sit down, Georgia. Sit down. Sit down before you fall and bust your head open. Sit down or I will beat you. SIT DOWN CHILD!"

Finally, we make it to the yogurt and cheese, which marks the end of our journey, but remember, I wanted some fresh flowers, so back to the front of the store we go! I was determined. We pick some hydrangeas and head to the checkout. WE MADE IT!! AND EVERYONE IS ALIVE!! However, you might find my mind wandering around on its own, because I certainly lost it somewhere in the grocery store...

SO, Brittany, have you ever been traumatized by a trip to the grocery store?? Yes, Yes I have. The Unicorn Momma will one day return to the grocery store, until then, we will be dining out..

Thanks for reading! Hope you had at least one good laugh ;)

I think my heart might burst..

Life with Georgia has been anything but easy. I have argued with a one year old, I have thrown string cheese across the kitchen, I have completely lost my mind, but I wouldn't change a thing. I get frustrated sometimes when I can't communicate with her, and it makes me crazy when she throws a fit. I want to throw a fit. Georgia has a personality all her own and it is so much fun watching her grow and learn. Then sometimes, she reminds me that she is still my little baby, and that she needs me.

Today, as I was watching a webinar thing/cleaning the kitchen, Georgia ran around pouring out toys, standing in her little grocery cart, and dancing/singing to a Frozen wand that plays "Let It Go" that my mom brought her this weekend. She was busy, I was busy, and we were just doin our things. Then she started to get sleepy, she was rubbing her eyes and started to whine about wanting marshmallows, or how she says it, "lellows". I picked her up and sat her on top of my belly, housing little sister. As I swayed back and forth, I noticed her arms start to go limp and realized she had fallen asleep. This hasn't happened in a while so I, of course, took it all in and just kissed her little neck and rubbed her sweet little back. I had to document it so I snapped a picture with the self-timer on my phone... when I looked at myself holding my little girl propped up on top of my belly, I couldn't help but just about burst out in hysterical crying.. It hadn't yet completely hit me that Georgia would not be the only center of my universe once Lucy came into our lives. Georgia made me a momma. She changed me in more ways then I could have ever imagined, and she still continues to make me a better person every day. I didn't know how much I could love another human being until I had her, and now I will be sharing that love with another little baby. I've already started to love Lucy and her sweet little movements in my belly. She gets the hiccups and tries to come out through my belly button. In a moment, it just hit me, I will have two babies, two loves, two girls, two daughters... It was a feeling of excitement and worry and just everything all at once!

I am so grateful that God has given us these babies and I am so excited to meet the newest member of our family. I can't help but recognize our Heavenly Father's hand in our lives as we prepare to expand our family. I feel so blessed to be able to house this little baby, just as I carried Georgia. I already can't imagine life without either of these sweet girls. When Georgia was born, I really didn't think my heart could be filled with any more love, but now I know, it can, and it feels like my heart might burst, but it is the most amazing feeling I've ever had! I am excited for the adventures to come with our sweet little girls, and excited to see what life will bring us as we continue to expand our little family. :)

Thanks for reading! I hope you have a fantastically sparkly day filled with lots and lots of love :)

Some times I forget where I put my Unicorn Horn

This is going to just be a blabbing post, I just need to get some things off my chest, so here it is...

I swear that whenever I decide to change my life to be better, life poops on me. It's like, "oh, you want to have more happy days, well....actually, now your hormones are going to be allllll over the place, now your feelings are going to constantly be hurt, now you are going to have the spawn of satan as a child, and now you think everyone is against you and your husband probably hates you." Yes, that is how I have been feeling. I posted a week or so ago about how "I'm going to make Christ the center of my life.." and "happy thoughts and happy feelings" and the next day I woke up and was completely insane. I know I'm pregnant soooo I kinda have an excuse, but you'd think after a few days that it would wear off, or I'd just get over it...buuuuut I didn't.

I love life. I really do. I am one of those people who naturally wants to see the positives to everything, and give everyone and every situation the benefit of the doubt. I want it to be rainbows and butterflies and sparkly unicorns all the time, but life is not like that. Some days it is dark. Some days I just can't deal. And when I try to think, "Look at ALLL you have, Brittany! Look at your life!! Are you kidding me with your attitude right now?!?!" It just makes me more upset because I realize how ridiculous I am being. And for whatever reason, that makes me want to just give up on everything. I forget why I am doing things like making wreaths for people, or sharing those hippie oils, or being a mom, or being a wife... (those were in no particular order, lemme just put that out there hah) but anyways, from the littlest things to the biggest things, I lose sight of what it all means to me. I lose sight of what matters and I just shut off and think that life would be better if there just was no life.... I realize that escalated pretty quickly, but in my mind, that is going so fast I can hardly keep up, that is how it feels.

So, this "D-word"... I know that depression runs in my family, and I know that I have it. I hate the bad reputation that people with depression get and so I try reallllllllly hard to stay in denial about the chemical imbalance happening in my brain. I hate that it is used to describe occasional sadness and people often joke about taking anti-depressants to deal with life. It is something that I truly struggle with. I try to just say, "I'm in a funk", "It's just hormones", and things like that, but inside, I really feel hopeless, helpless, lonely and it is so incredibly dark at times, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't see past the darkness and realize the light that is constantly in my life. I inadvertantly push all these dark feelings on my family and I know that it is hard on them. For me, it's not about getting help. I know that I can be put on a pill and that these feelings will go away and I might have less days that I am in deep dark holes, but I don't want that. "WHAT?! You won't get help for this? It's such an easy solution!" I know, I know. I am working on it within myself though. I know that help is out there in that way, but I want to try things differently first. I, in no way, am looking for sympathy, in fact that would just make me feel like an idiot, so here's what I am going to tell you:

I am writing this out because it is making me feel better, maybe I should just write it in a journal, but maybe one of you is struggling too, and I want you to know that it is okay! I misplace my beautiful, sparkly unicorn horn every once in a while, and forget the awesome person that I really am, and that is okay. I forget that the things in this life are worth so much more than I could ever imagine and that there is a bigger and better plan for me. It doesn't take a, "chin-up, buttercup" to change that either, so if you know someone with depression, don't tell them that. Also, don't tell them to get over it... or that it will get better... that is not what we need to hear. The darkness that consumes my brain eats those words and vomits more darkness and anger. It isn't a logical thing. It isn't an emotional thing. It is a completely uncontrollable, unrealistic, unhappiness that has nothing to do with anything. Seriously. I just want you to know that, some times it looks like I might have it all together, and some days, I do...because sometimes I realize how awesome and sparkly and fun I am. But some times, I don't. Some times there is so much darkness eating at me that I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. I am a super sparkly unicorn with so much to offer in this world! I have so much to do with this life that I have been given! And so do you! I hope that, if you are struggling with depression of any kind, that you will know that you are not alone. And even if it isn't depression, if it is just that you are feeling completely helpless, just know, that You are a sparkly Unicorn (or fairy, or princess, or mermaid, or whatever mystical creature you want to be)! You are a fantastic, amazing and beautiful person! I'm not going to tell you that there will be better days, but I will tell you that I completely understand if you just want to eat a pizza all by yourself and lock yourself in your bathroom while you sit in the tub and watch every show and movie ever on netflix. I get it.

I hope you are having a wonderful April Fool's day! (As dark as this post was, I really do want the most happiness for everyone!!) Thank you all for reading! I love you and appreciate your love and support! EAT ALL THE PEANUT M&M'S AND DRINK ALLLL THE DIET COKES!!