I think my heart might burst..

Life with Georgia has been anything but easy. I have argued with a one year old, I have thrown string cheese across the kitchen, I have completely lost my mind, but I wouldn't change a thing. I get frustrated sometimes when I can't communicate with her, and it makes me crazy when she throws a fit. I want to throw a fit. Georgia has a personality all her own and it is so much fun watching her grow and learn. Then sometimes, she reminds me that she is still my little baby, and that she needs me.

Today, as I was watching a webinar thing/cleaning the kitchen, Georgia ran around pouring out toys, standing in her little grocery cart, and dancing/singing to a Frozen wand that plays "Let It Go" that my mom brought her this weekend. She was busy, I was busy, and we were just doin our things. Then she started to get sleepy, she was rubbing her eyes and started to whine about wanting marshmallows, or how she says it, "lellows". I picked her up and sat her on top of my belly, housing little sister. As I swayed back and forth, I noticed her arms start to go limp and realized she had fallen asleep. This hasn't happened in a while so I, of course, took it all in and just kissed her little neck and rubbed her sweet little back. I had to document it so I snapped a picture with the self-timer on my phone... when I looked at myself holding my little girl propped up on top of my belly, I couldn't help but just about burst out in hysterical crying.. It hadn't yet completely hit me that Georgia would not be the only center of my universe once Lucy came into our lives. Georgia made me a momma. She changed me in more ways then I could have ever imagined, and she still continues to make me a better person every day. I didn't know how much I could love another human being until I had her, and now I will be sharing that love with another little baby. I've already started to love Lucy and her sweet little movements in my belly. She gets the hiccups and tries to come out through my belly button. In a moment, it just hit me, I will have two babies, two loves, two girls, two daughters... It was a feeling of excitement and worry and just everything all at once!

I am so grateful that God has given us these babies and I am so excited to meet the newest member of our family. I can't help but recognize our Heavenly Father's hand in our lives as we prepare to expand our family. I feel so blessed to be able to house this little baby, just as I carried Georgia. I already can't imagine life without either of these sweet girls. When Georgia was born, I really didn't think my heart could be filled with any more love, but now I know, it can, and it feels like my heart might burst, but it is the most amazing feeling I've ever had! I am excited for the adventures to come with our sweet little girls, and excited to see what life will bring us as we continue to expand our little family. :)

Thanks for reading! I hope you have a fantastically sparkly day filled with lots and lots of love :)

Some times I forget where I put my Unicorn Horn

This is going to just be a blabbing post, I just need to get some things off my chest, so here it is...

I swear that whenever I decide to change my life to be better, life poops on me. It's like, "oh, you want to have more happy days, well....actually, now your hormones are going to be allllll over the place, now your feelings are going to constantly be hurt, now you are going to have the spawn of satan as a child, and now you think everyone is against you and your husband probably hates you." Yes, that is how I have been feeling. I posted a week or so ago about how "I'm going to make Christ the center of my life.." and "happy thoughts and happy feelings" and the next day I woke up and was completely insane. I know I'm pregnant soooo I kinda have an excuse, but you'd think after a few days that it would wear off, or I'd just get over it...buuuuut I didn't.

I love life. I really do. I am one of those people who naturally wants to see the positives to everything, and give everyone and every situation the benefit of the doubt. I want it to be rainbows and butterflies and sparkly unicorns all the time, but life is not like that. Some days it is dark. Some days I just can't deal. And when I try to think, "Look at ALLL you have, Brittany! Look at your life!! Are you kidding me with your attitude right now?!?!" It just makes me more upset because I realize how ridiculous I am being. And for whatever reason, that makes me want to just give up on everything. I forget why I am doing things like making wreaths for people, or sharing those hippie oils, or being a mom, or being a wife... (those were in no particular order, lemme just put that out there hah) but anyways, from the littlest things to the biggest things, I lose sight of what it all means to me. I lose sight of what matters and I just shut off and think that life would be better if there just was no life.... I realize that escalated pretty quickly, but in my mind, that is going so fast I can hardly keep up, that is how it feels.

So, this "D-word"... I know that depression runs in my family, and I know that I have it. I hate the bad reputation that people with depression get and so I try reallllllllly hard to stay in denial about the chemical imbalance happening in my brain. I hate that it is used to describe occasional sadness and people often joke about taking anti-depressants to deal with life. It is something that I truly struggle with. I try to just say, "I'm in a funk", "It's just hormones", and things like that, but inside, I really feel hopeless, helpless, lonely and it is so incredibly dark at times, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't see past the darkness and realize the light that is constantly in my life. I inadvertantly push all these dark feelings on my family and I know that it is hard on them. For me, it's not about getting help. I know that I can be put on a pill and that these feelings will go away and I might have less days that I am in deep dark holes, but I don't want that. "WHAT?! You won't get help for this? It's such an easy solution!" I know, I know. I am working on it within myself though. I know that help is out there in that way, but I want to try things differently first. I, in no way, am looking for sympathy, in fact that would just make me feel like an idiot, so here's what I am going to tell you:

I am writing this out because it is making me feel better, maybe I should just write it in a journal, but maybe one of you is struggling too, and I want you to know that it is okay! I misplace my beautiful, sparkly unicorn horn every once in a while, and forget the awesome person that I really am, and that is okay. I forget that the things in this life are worth so much more than I could ever imagine and that there is a bigger and better plan for me. It doesn't take a, "chin-up, buttercup" to change that either, so if you know someone with depression, don't tell them that. Also, don't tell them to get over it... or that it will get better... that is not what we need to hear. The darkness that consumes my brain eats those words and vomits more darkness and anger. It isn't a logical thing. It isn't an emotional thing. It is a completely uncontrollable, unrealistic, unhappiness that has nothing to do with anything. Seriously. I just want you to know that, some times it looks like I might have it all together, and some days, I do...because sometimes I realize how awesome and sparkly and fun I am. But some times, I don't. Some times there is so much darkness eating at me that I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. I am a super sparkly unicorn with so much to offer in this world! I have so much to do with this life that I have been given! And so do you! I hope that, if you are struggling with depression of any kind, that you will know that you are not alone. And even if it isn't depression, if it is just that you are feeling completely helpless, just know, that You are a sparkly Unicorn (or fairy, or princess, or mermaid, or whatever mystical creature you want to be)! You are a fantastic, amazing and beautiful person! I'm not going to tell you that there will be better days, but I will tell you that I completely understand if you just want to eat a pizza all by yourself and lock yourself in your bathroom while you sit in the tub and watch every show and movie ever on netflix. I get it.

I hope you are having a wonderful April Fool's day! (As dark as this post was, I really do want the most happiness for everyone!!) Thank you all for reading! I love you and appreciate your love and support! EAT ALL THE PEANUT M&M'S AND DRINK ALLLL THE DIET COKES!!