Some times I forget where I put my Unicorn Horn

This is going to just be a blabbing post, I just need to get some things off my chest, so here it is...

I swear that whenever I decide to change my life to be better, life poops on me. It's like, "oh, you want to have more happy days, well....actually, now your hormones are going to be allllll over the place, now your feelings are going to constantly be hurt, now you are going to have the spawn of satan as a child, and now you think everyone is against you and your husband probably hates you." Yes, that is how I have been feeling. I posted a week or so ago about how "I'm going to make Christ the center of my life.." and "happy thoughts and happy feelings" and the next day I woke up and was completely insane. I know I'm pregnant soooo I kinda have an excuse, but you'd think after a few days that it would wear off, or I'd just get over it...buuuuut I didn't.

I love life. I really do. I am one of those people who naturally wants to see the positives to everything, and give everyone and every situation the benefit of the doubt. I want it to be rainbows and butterflies and sparkly unicorns all the time, but life is not like that. Some days it is dark. Some days I just can't deal. And when I try to think, "Look at ALLL you have, Brittany! Look at your life!! Are you kidding me with your attitude right now?!?!" It just makes me more upset because I realize how ridiculous I am being. And for whatever reason, that makes me want to just give up on everything. I forget why I am doing things like making wreaths for people, or sharing those hippie oils, or being a mom, or being a wife... (those were in no particular order, lemme just put that out there hah) but anyways, from the littlest things to the biggest things, I lose sight of what it all means to me. I lose sight of what matters and I just shut off and think that life would be better if there just was no life.... I realize that escalated pretty quickly, but in my mind, that is going so fast I can hardly keep up, that is how it feels.

So, this "D-word"... I know that depression runs in my family, and I know that I have it. I hate the bad reputation that people with depression get and so I try reallllllllly hard to stay in denial about the chemical imbalance happening in my brain. I hate that it is used to describe occasional sadness and people often joke about taking anti-depressants to deal with life. It is something that I truly struggle with. I try to just say, "I'm in a funk", "It's just hormones", and things like that, but inside, I really feel hopeless, helpless, lonely and it is so incredibly dark at times, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't see past the darkness and realize the light that is constantly in my life. I inadvertantly push all these dark feelings on my family and I know that it is hard on them. For me, it's not about getting help. I know that I can be put on a pill and that these feelings will go away and I might have less days that I am in deep dark holes, but I don't want that. "WHAT?! You won't get help for this? It's such an easy solution!" I know, I know. I am working on it within myself though. I know that help is out there in that way, but I want to try things differently first. I, in no way, am looking for sympathy, in fact that would just make me feel like an idiot, so here's what I am going to tell you:

I am writing this out because it is making me feel better, maybe I should just write it in a journal, but maybe one of you is struggling too, and I want you to know that it is okay! I misplace my beautiful, sparkly unicorn horn every once in a while, and forget the awesome person that I really am, and that is okay. I forget that the things in this life are worth so much more than I could ever imagine and that there is a bigger and better plan for me. It doesn't take a, "chin-up, buttercup" to change that either, so if you know someone with depression, don't tell them that. Also, don't tell them to get over it... or that it will get better... that is not what we need to hear. The darkness that consumes my brain eats those words and vomits more darkness and anger. It isn't a logical thing. It isn't an emotional thing. It is a completely uncontrollable, unrealistic, unhappiness that has nothing to do with anything. Seriously. I just want you to know that, some times it looks like I might have it all together, and some days, I do...because sometimes I realize how awesome and sparkly and fun I am. But some times, I don't. Some times there is so much darkness eating at me that I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. I am a super sparkly unicorn with so much to offer in this world! I have so much to do with this life that I have been given! And so do you! I hope that, if you are struggling with depression of any kind, that you will know that you are not alone. And even if it isn't depression, if it is just that you are feeling completely helpless, just know, that You are a sparkly Unicorn (or fairy, or princess, or mermaid, or whatever mystical creature you want to be)! You are a fantastic, amazing and beautiful person! I'm not going to tell you that there will be better days, but I will tell you that I completely understand if you just want to eat a pizza all by yourself and lock yourself in your bathroom while you sit in the tub and watch every show and movie ever on netflix. I get it.

I hope you are having a wonderful April Fool's day! (As dark as this post was, I really do want the most happiness for everyone!!) Thank you all for reading! I love you and appreciate your love and support! EAT ALL THE PEANUT M&M'S AND DRINK ALLLL THE DIET COKES!!